Pogo Stick
by Infamousplot
Summary: Wrath finds a pogo stick, and decides to show his favorite brother, Envy. As one could easily imagine, things do not end well. Cross-reference of anime/manga, crack!fic. Inspired by and dedicated to Seikatsu-shi. Rated for Envy's potty mouth.


**RE-POSTING OLD CRAP. I took apart my drabbles so I can use the title somewhere else... :P Wanted to repost some of them though cuz they were slightly amusing ;3  
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**Cross-referenced (anime!Wrath, anime!Sloth and anime!Pride with manga!others and Father, not Dante. Don't question it. Just roll with it ;P).  
**

**Dedicated to Seikatsu-Shi, who gave me the idea, and owns Po~go~stick xD  
**

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It was a normal day beneath Central. The homunculi were living out their daily lives deep within the bowels of the Military HQ, mulling about missions and tasks and other stuff that would form a great plot for a new Fullmetal Alchemist game. It was shaping up to be the perfect start to another fanfic that was –possibly –written under the influence of crack.

"Wrathy?" Wrath looked up from his latest fascination –a small toy train that he had dissected out of boredom –to smile at Sloth.

"Hi mommy!" He beamed, with a smile that would make most women and teenage girls melt into a pile of fangirlish goop. Sloth glanced down at the train (which had probably been a part of Greed or Envy's hoard of useless and occasionally shiny crap at one point), then smiled back at Wrath.

"Wrath, I'm going on a mission with Greed today. I need you to be a good boy while I'm gone, okay?" Wrath nodded. Sloth kissed his forehead, ruffled his hair, and then went out to join Greed, who was muttering something about losing some toy train. This was a ritualistic process for the two homunculi. Sloth would tell Wrath to be good, he would promise to do so, and as soon as she left, he would go harass Envy until the older homunculus beat him within inches of his life. No matter how many times Sloth knocked their skulls together, or threatened them, or got Lust to threaten them, it didn't make a difference. It was in the nature of young Wraths to go and piss off Envies. Or something like that.

Sloth had only been gone for five minutes before Wrath decided to go and bug Envy. Lust was busy writing some report for Father, and Envy was busy not writing his report for Father, so this was the perfect opportunity to go bother Envy-niisan.

As Wrath walked down the halls toward Envy's room, his short attention span was grabbed by a door that he hadn't noticed before. There was a sloppy sign on the front that said "Do Not Enter" with a small note scrawled underneath that said "That means you, Envy." Curious –plus, it didn't say anything about him –Wrath turned the knob and walked on in.

Unbeknownst to Wrath, this room was actually Father's storage room. This was where all of the homunculi's useless junk went when they outgrew it (unless it was added to Envy or Greed's aforementioned hoard of useless and occasionally shiny crap), such as bicycles and jump ropes and even Lust's old dolls from when she was only half a century old. All of these things had been dubbed too dangerous to keep around the house. Bicycles? Greed had a habit of trying to ride them off the roof. Jump ropes? Envy liked to strangle Greed with them. Dolls? Well… It was fine when Lust had them, but then Greed started taking them one by one and… Well, let's not get into that.

Now, Wrath didn't have many toys. Like most of his siblings, he had issues. When he got mad, he got violent, and things like toys were either mutilated in disturbing ways, or used to instigate fights with his equally unstable siblings (namely Envy). Basically, Wrath got bored very easily, and rarely found a way to cure said boredom. So to him, this room full of old dusty toys and tools must have seemed like a treasure trove. Grinning, he dove straight in.

Wrath spent several hours playing in there. He managed to break half of everything he played with, and half of the stuff he didn't break ended up warped by his alchemy. He'd joined the heads of a bunch of Lust's old dolls, and tied the jump ropes into one long rope, which he spent at least an hour leaping over and under. He'd also managed to pry open Father's old toolbox, and was about to go wreak havoc by unscrewing all of the doorknobs in the base (who knows why), when something else caught his eye.

If this had been a TV show, there probably would have been a beam of light shining down on it, and some heavenly "hallelujahs" thrown in for good measure.

Wrath stared at the long metal rod-like object in awe. There were two handles, little pedal-like things for him to put his feet on, and a small spring on the bottom. He had no idea what it was, or what it might do, but it was SHINY, and he _liked_ it. Grinning, he tugged the object from beneath the rubble and into a spot where there were no toys to trip on. Looking at it curiously, he wondered what it might do. He climbed onto the pedals, but quickly over-balanced and his elbow. Yowling, the littlest sin raised an arm to chuck it across the room, when he noticed the spring again. Deciding to try again, he propped it back up and hopped on. The force sent him up into the air, and he bounced several times, leaping off before he overbalanced. Grinning, he tried again. And again. Laughing, he hopped around the room, bounding over toys and junk.

In case you couldn't tell, Wrathy had discovered a pogo stick. A Po~Go~Stick, to be precise –extra bouncy and extra shiny, two things that drew Wrath's attention.

Bouncing up the stairs, the little homunculus decided to show Envy his new toy.

Some good questions you might be thinking up right now: Why on earth would Wrath go to show Envy of all people? That, is a very good question. Unfortunately, none can quite answer it. It's not like Envy is particularly nice to Wrath. In fact, Envy is not particularly nice to _anyone_- the only ones Wrath has ever seen him get along with are Lust and Gluttony, and even then, he and Lust seem ready to bite each others heads off half the time. Really, Wrath can count on one hand the number of nice things Envy has said to him. He yells at him, swears at him, kicks him and wastes his lives, and every time he goes to talk to him all Envy does is scream at him to get the #% & out of his room. Yet none of this served as a deterrent. Wrath just didn't get the message. So, even though Envy was an asshole in every sense of the word and pissed Wrath off a lot, Wrath couldn't resist showing Envy-niisan his new toy.

Wrath found Envy in their pathetic excuse for a living room, conked out in front of the TV. He was sound asleep, snoring loudly and blocking out any sounds the television was trying to make. There were some papers and broken pencils scattered across the coffee table and the floor, with crossed out lines and crude doodles, probably Envy's attempts at writing a coherent report for Father. Wrath's short attention span forced him to study them briefly. He wasn't sure what some of the words meant, but judging by the picture of Greed Envy had drawn next to them, he was guessing it wasn't a nice one. He'd ask mommy what they meant later.

Remembering his mission, Wrath hopped past the pile of paper, and toward his target.

Boing. Boing. BOING. BOING!

Envy sat up with a start as Wrath po~goed onto his gut, knocking the wind clean out of him.

"What the hell!" He gasped, arm instinctively smacking the young homunculus away. Wrath bounced off, hopping in place with the biggest grin you ever did see. "Wh-What the hell do you think you're doing, you little brat!" Envy shrieked, gagging for air as the littlest homunculus bounced back and forth.

"I'm bouncing." He smiled, with a bit of 'duh' in his voice. Envy glared at him, which was hard to do since he kept moving up and down, and up and down, and so on. Little prick. Envy seethed, clutching his throbbing stomach. His one day off, and this was what he had to put up with? He wondered how hard he'd have to try to knock Wrath down a few lives, but then decided it was too much effort (plus, the brat would probably tell on him, like the little tattletale he was). So, he settled for nabbing the po~go~stick from beneath Wrathy's feet.

Wrath yelped in surprise as he fell to the floor. Wincing as he hit the ground, he leapt back up, immediately living up to his name.

"Give it back!" Wrath screeched, glowering with childish frustration at the older sin. Envy laughed, sticking his tongue out and leaping over the back of the couch (hey, nobody ever said Envy acted like the older sin). "Envy!" Wrath screamed, leaping after him, only to get clothes-lined by the po~go. Gasping for breath, he toppled down onto the couch, glaring murder up at his "older brother." Envy smirked, then turned his attention to the obnoxious object in his hand.

"What the hell is this thing, anyway?" He frowned, turning it over and investigating it. It looked strange, and it was shiny. Much like Wrath, Envy was intrigued. Wrath stood up on the couch, crossing his arms and summoning his best and most intimidating glare. All he succeeded in doing was making himself look utterly adorable and pouty.

"I dunno. Give it back." He demanded, but Envy ignored him.

"Nah. I don't want to." The palm-tree shrugged, his gaze returning to the peeved little sin. He rested his chin on the palm of his free hand and grinned evilly. "It's mine now." Rage boiling over again, Wrath sprung over the couch, and Envy barely managed to sidestep and avoid a foot to the face. Wrath landed in a little heap on the ground, but was back up immediately, charging at Envy with a vengeance. Envy responded by simply placing a foot on Wrath's head, halting any movement. Wrath struggled against it for a few minutes, forgetting he could just step to the side or something simple like that, then gave up, falling back on his usual resort in these kinds of situations.

"MOOOOOOMMMM!" He screamed. Envy swung at him with the po~go~stick, but Wrath ducked, trying to kick at his shin. He missed. "Envy! Give it back!" He wailed, making a grab for it. Envy scowled. This was getting really old, really fast. Seriously, Wrath took the fun out of everything. For a moment, he considered just beating the shit out of Wrath with... Whatever the hell this thing was, but even with his terrible sense of judgement, he figured that was a bad idea. Sloth was on a mission, so he wouldn't have to worry about mama bear wailing on his ass any time soon, but if she came home to find a very abused little Wrath crying to her, he'd be in for a beating. And even if he didn't do anything to the little brat, Father would probably hear Wrath yelling soon enough, and come in to check on them. And then Wrath would tell on him, and then he'd get in trouble –and he hadn't even done anything yet! Sighing, he held the po~go~stick just out of Wrath's reach.

"Envy!"

"I just wanna try it first!" Envy snarled, impatient. Wrath pouted, crossing his arms indignantly, then nodding.

"Fine. Just don't break it!" Wrath probably would have sounded more threatening, if he hadn't been whining. Envy laughed.

"No promises, brat." Wrath watched as the older homunculus mounted the po~go, teetering over and falling quite a few times before finally managing to balance himself. Each time he fell, he shouted something along the lines of "I meant to that!" and "That was supposed to happen!".

"How do you work this thing?" He snapped, wobbling about. Wrath shrugged.

"Just bounce." He replied, simply. It wasn't rocket science, after all. Envy scoffed, but tried following Wrath's advice anyway. Boing. Boing. BOING. Envy grinned. He was doing it! "I'm doing it!" He cried, bouncing up and down. Wrath couldn't help but giggle at the sight of Envy –his most sadistic sibling –bouncing around and grinning.

"Isn't it fun?" Wrath grinned. Envy didn't respond, but the look on his face definitely said enough. He was enjoying himself. Which was weird, because no one was in pain.

Of course, with Envy, nothing ever stayed that way for long.

Wrath couldn't help but notice the way the room shook each time Envy landed, or the cracks that were starting to form in the concrete around the po~go~stick. For those who are not aware of Envy's actual density... Well, let's just say the palm tree is heavier than he looks. A _lot_ heavier.

"Uhm… E-Envy?" Wrath warned nervously. "Um, I think you should stop!"

"No way!" Envy laughed, bouncing higher and landing harder. "This is awesome!" Again, the room shook, and the chains on the ceiling rattled. Dust and little bits of rock were starting to rain from above.

"Envy! I really think you should stop now!" Wrath cried, glancing toward the hall, desperately hoping that someone older might appear and tell Envy to knock it off (though their word choice probably wouldn't be quite that nice).

"What the hell is going on out there!" Lust shrieked from somewhere.

"Envy? Are you fighting with Greed again?" Pride asked, his voice floating down the hall. Envy landed with another earth shaking thud, and Wrath finally bailed, sprinting away so as not to get blamed for this event.

Alas.

There was a loud cracking sound that was terrifying enough even to make Envy stop in his tracks. The homunculus stared up as the roof began to crumble. Pride had just walked in, as had Lust, who looked uber-pissed (and was about to get even more so). At the same moment, Greed and Sloth walked in as well, having returned from their mission. Envy stepped off of the po~go~stick.

"Fuc-"

There was a ferocious rumbling sound, as the walls of the hideout avalanched down around them.

Once the rumbling stopped and the dust began to clear, the room was filled was curses and other unseemly words- most of them aimed at Envy. Greed, who had hardened his skin, pushed his way out from beneath the rubble to look around. Wrath was currently healing, trying to crawl over to Sloth so he could hide. There was a gaping hole in he wall that typically Father from the rest of the base. He was sitting in his chair, nose still buried in a book, when he suddenly became aware of the grunting and groaning coming from his irritated (to put it lightly) children. Glancing up from his book, a look of surprise flitting across his face as he noticed the destruction.

"What on earth happened!" He cried, slamming his book shut and looking all around. Almost the entire base had been decimated.

"Way to watch your children, Father." Greed replied sarcastically, shoving a large chunk of concrete off himself –and onto Pride.

"Alright!" Lust cried, emerging from the debris with rage in her eyes. She lifted up the po~go~stick in one hand, and held Envy's wrist up into the air with the other. "Who gave _this_ to _this_?" She snarled, glaring at each and every one of them as Envy stared sheepishly at the ground. Wrath made a tiny squeaking sound, and dove behind Sloth's dress. "Wrath?" Lust glared menacingly. All eyes turned to the tiny homunculus.

"Uh… M-Me?" He peeped, grinning nervously. Envy nodded, and Lust dropped him and the po~go~stick.

"Great. Just great!" Father sighed, shuffling up from his chair and looking for the phone book. "Now I'll have to call those repair guys _again._" He scowled. "This is the fifth time this month!"

"Don't sound so surprised." Greed scoffed.

"Don't bother. I've got them on speed dial." Lust sighed, flipping out her cell phone (because they totally have that kind of technology in Amestris. For realz. Shhh.) as Envy gathered up po~go and slipped away before anyone could object. Sloth glared disapprovingly at Wrath, who was teetering from one foot to another nervously.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" She asked darkly. Wrath looked up at her with the biggest most innocent eyes he could muster and replied simply:

"Envy did it."

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**Everything is crack and nothing hurts.**

**I miss Fullmetal Alchemist ;-; I miss it so... I should do an FMA/TWEWY crossover... *plot bunnies attack*  
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**I have some more Envy/Wrath crack stuff, so I'll probably add them to this. Later. Probably.  
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End file.
